Forgiveness

I was watching Oprah recently and she said she loves what somebody had said about forgiveness.  They said something like, forgiveness means letting go of the hope that the past will ever be different.  And I'm having trouble with understanding how that's so imperative to our healing?  We should all know already that we can't change the past no matter how much we would like to.  One way that's easy to see for everyone is because no one has yet been able to change the past.  All we can do is learn from it and change who we are going to be from this moment forward.  I like what Dr. Phil says about our past as far as treating it as a book.  Lots of people (including myself at times) live life like we are reading that book every day and re-living the pain of the experience all over again.  So he explained that we need to learn to deal with the issues plaguing us and then we can put our book on the shelf and leave it there where it belongs.  That is a beautiful way of looking at it to me.  Not that that is dealing with the forgiveness issue but I thought it was worth mentioning!
To me, forgiveness is more like a plate of food, each one of us is holding a plate and some peoples plates are full while others are empty.  When you are healthy and whole it's easier to be loving and kind, you can even have something good to offer to others if they need it.  So your plate is full.  But when somebody is cruel or hurtful that means that their plate is quite empty and they are looking to get something or take something they think they need from you even if it hurts you in the process.  Deep down everyone has love in their hearts and are looking for love to come their way but they don't always know how to show it or find it in a healthy way, especially the people who are the most hurt and empty.  Like the marvelous Bill Cosby said, "hurt people, hurt people." and I couldn't agree more!  It makes so much sense to me.  Also keeping in mind that everyone does what they do, good or bad, because they feel justified for what ever reason.  That's how they see it in their model of the world.  Heck, I feel this way with even serial killers, 1. they feel justified to do what they do at the time they're doing it and 2. are searching to fill a void, looking for love or complete whatever craving it is they're feeling inside.  Granted they're going about things in a most unhealthy way no doubt about that!  But none of these things they do are because they are evil no, they're hurt.  They wouldn't do the things they do if they were not already hurting inside.  Their plates are empty and they're doing what they think will help them feel better.  This is true for everybody. 
I refuse to believe that anyone wakes up in the morning and says to themselves 'how can I be the most hurtful to everyone today?'  People just search for what it is they think they need and do what it is they think they need to do to accomplish getting that.  And it's their hurt that allows them to do things that can hurt others.  All conflict arises from misplaced desire.  I always say that if a person were to rob me of something, that would make me sad yes, but I would feel more sorry for the robber being so broken inside to go as far as that than I would be to lose whatever they took from me!
What can someone take from you that will truly break you irreversibly anyway?  As far as material things like money, clothes, food, furniture or a car, it may take some work but you can get them back or go on living without them if need be.  Even pictures lost in a fire or stolen are not the end of the world.  Those pictures didn't create your love for that person so you haven't lost that much in the long run just because you don't have those to look at and show off to others anymore.  Hopefully you still have the images in your mind so you could always have an artist redraw it for you if need be, right?  Now losing a loved one to death is a tough one for most people unless you're willing to believe that the spirit still survives and is healthy and happy even though they're not here with us, in their body anymore.  I think religion has been cruel to many with the way that they tell people to think there's suffering after death so the people left behind have to be filled with fear and grief over their loved ones passing.  And that in turn causes much unneeded suffering on this planet.  But it's ingrained deep in their psyche and many refuse to be open minded to another way, probably because the fear their religion has put in them makes them afraid to stray in case it's the wrong thing to do.  So ironically it creates fear before a loved one dies and suffering after a loved one dies too. 
But I digress, life goes on for us and we can be happy even without this person here with us.  Nothing can stop us, all of us, from having a full plate.  It's our choice.  And forgiveness is being willing to accept the idea that the person or people that have hurt us in some way were merely broken and hurt inside themselves first which allowed them to do what they did.  Compassion is a wonderful healer of the soul, not just for our own but for all other souls in this world.  So even if you don't have to work on forgiveness maybe you could ask yourself if your plate is full?

Born blond

Since my last blog was so negative with me venting I wanted to end the night on a lighter note. Obviously I have not reached mastery if I can vent my frustrations like that. But that's fine, all in due time. Anyway, I had mostly blond hair early on in life and it turned a dark brown when I was about 7 or 8yrs old and has stayed dark ever since. I've got a couple of stories to tell you about my past that are pretty funny but they also reflect this blondness of mine.
The first was when I was still a teenager and I went to a tiny BBQ sandwich stand where you walk up to a window to order and collect your food, there wasn't any indoor seating of any kind. It kinda felt like a drive up window but without being in a car. It sure had good food though. There were two (what I would call cute) guys running the place that and I was getting the feeling that they might have been thinking I was cute too so I started getting giggly and shy. I'm telling myself to just smile get your food and don't say anything stupid. The guy at the window hands me my drink and a straw. Now usually I would go wait in my car for the food to cook. But this time I'm feeling the vibe and no other customers were there so I stayed at the window to hang out and drink my soda. Who knows, maybe this guy is interested enough in me to want to talk a bit while we wait? So I'm thinking to myself now, play it cool Kayla. I notice this guy is watching me intently so, looking as sexy as I can, I poke the straw through the lid and start trying to drink my soda. I'm trying with all my might to drink this soda but nothing is happening. My cheeks are even beginning to sink in and who knows if my face was turning a different color? But still no soda appeared. I didn't want to give up and lose this battle so I just kept trying. Finally the guy comes over to me almost concerned by now and asks me if I would like another straw or something. To which I replied, "No that's okay, I can suck real hard!" The looks on their faces were priceless with those huge grins but I'm sure if my face hadn't already turned red from the endless sucking, it sure did once I realized what I had done. By the way, it turns out that the straw had went flush with the bottom of the cup.
The next one was about ten years later where I was driving a gigantic (4 door) crew cab extended pick up truck that my then husband used for his work. I was all alone and didn't feel all that comfortable driving such a monster vehicle as it was but then right in the middle of the street it just dies on me and won't start again. I realized I'm now going to be blocking traffic and I can see a gas station just across the street but I didn't know what to do. Lucky for me a police officer pulled up behind my truck, he comes to my window and says, "If you can't get it started do you want me to push it over to that gas station?" I'm thinking that's mighty kind of him to offer but I was worried it would have to take two people so I said, "This is a very heavy truck so do you really think you can all by yourself?" He calmly explains, "No, I meant with my car." Now I understand and nod in agreement so he gets back into his police car and I wait and wait but nothing is happening. How curious this is? I'm wondering what's wrong? I knew it was a heavy truck but for a car not to be able to push it? A minute later he gets out of his car and comes up to my window again to tell me, "You have to put it in neutral!"

unreliable people and silly rules

Now get this, I have a military badge with my name and picture on it that allows me to enter the base and it even allows me to go into a restricted area where the submarines dock. This is different than just the ordinary military ID that most people have, I used to have one of those too but it has expired and since we're not staying in the military for much longer I don't see the point of getting a new one. But for some reason the commissary allows anyone to enter the building and fill their cart with food but won't allow you to buy it until you can prove you're either active duty or a family member. And on a few occasions in the past my badge did just fine for me to buy things there. I don't know when or why that has changed. So the other day I was trying to shop for just this one item I was harassed by an employee about my badge not being enough. I said it seems to me that if it gets me on the base and lets me shop in the NEX and other things then it doesn't make sense that I can't use it to shop here for food too. But that logic didn't help me of course.
Well, as you all may know by now, Paul and I are separated by a protection order so we can't see each other or even speak to each other in any way, shape or form for a while. This creates a sticky situation for me since Paul was supposed to help me buy the Mt. Dew that's on sale at the commissary. Basically, he can't help me with that. So today a chief or who ever it was that broke that news to me said he would get it for me instead. I agreed and told him specifically to buy me the cubes that are on sale for less than $5.00 each. Good deal, eh!?! Who would want to pass that up? With how much of it I drink all the time I'm always searching for the best deal for my dew. Usually when a great deal like this comes along we stock up big time getting up to ten cubes at once. Well, my punishment has begun because this guy didn't listen to what I said at all...like anyone other than me or Paul would care anyway. He showed up with three 12 packs and made me pay full price for them! I asked him if they were all out of the cubes already and he said "I didn't even look for those". Gee thanks man, how unreliable and not helpful you are for me! Now I ended up paying ten dollars for these few 12 packs and I'm stuck having to go stand outside of the commissary (like a pan handler) asking people if they would be willing to go in and buy me some of the cubes? What fun.
The moral of my story is that anyone who is military is more than likely uncaring and unreliable and the entire military base is full of endless rules. Most of which make no sense, are unnecessary and silly but that never stops them from enforcing them forever. Oh how I can't wait to get out of this madness called the Navy!
  

random thoughts...India

It's so very cool to me that we get to see if somebody from another country is reading our blogs. And I've got somebody in India that checks out my writings...hello to you! I sit and imagine what your life is like and how different it may be compared to mine. I would love to go there and see your beautiful country someday. Heck, I often think about how I would love to give away all my belongings and move there for good to live a life of quiet meditation. But I don't think that would go over very well with Paul being my husband and all. Has anyone seen that new Julia Roberts movie, I think it's called Eat Pray Love? She went soul searching in a few foreign countries, it was a sweet movie about her spiritual evolution. But what really captured my attention was this place (hotel?) in India where they offer her a room and food in trade for her performing some simple duties like hand scrubbing a floor. I was thinking, oh yeah baby that sounds like the perfect place for me! I've always loved all the cleaning jobs I've had in the past and I've maintained that nothing cleans a floor as good as doing it by hand. So this makes India the first foreign country I'd wish to visit. And I'd love to go see the home of His Holiness the Dalai Lama. What a treat that would be for me! Every time I'm meditating I imagine myself being right there, joining in with His Holiness and others, all of us sitting and chanting together. Now that's what I would call a fun time! Another reason for me to go is because I've seen documentaries about the Tibetan people fleeing to India and how the place they stay has no filtered water for them to drink. So I told Paul that if/when we can go there I hope to bring them at least some of those Brita water filtration pitchers, it's not a permanent solution but it could help anyway. This is my plan, since I really won't have anything to bring with me except the clothes on my back, I can stuff as many pitchers as I can into my carry ons and into two boxes (first two are usually free) to be as my check ons for the plane. If I was wealthy I would do more for them. It seems to me that mega rich people stay mega rich because they like having money. I would love to have tons of money because I'd love to help the needy not because I'd love to have tons of money, ya know? Call me crazy.