Never, Never There

  Chief Loh has been in the studio working hard.  http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000070591345  Here's a link to our brand new song.  We have several more on the way, almost ready to release!

The Power of Social Media

  People on television have a power that they don't always use to its fullest potential.  Paul and I watch the fashion clothing show, 'Project Runway' with Heidi Klum.  Week after week we watch people design pieces of clothing and even lines of clothing and then sew them together.  There are always new surprises as to whom will be the recipients of the clothes.  It's been little children, old ladies, other contestants, contestant's mothers, celebrities, etc.
  We sent an email to Heidi Klum asking her to have an episode in which the contestants create clothing for primordial dwarves.  Primordial dwarves are not only shorter than average, but smaller in stature so that they resemble miniature people.  It is very difficult for them to find clothes that fit and are age-appropriate.  They must often buy clothing made for dolls or children.  Or, if they can afford it, they have clothes custom made for them.  We thought it would be a good idea to have ready-made lines of clothing specialized for their unique frames.  Sadly, such an episode never aired.
  Today, we were watching 'Dr. Phil' who was talking about tabloid websites who target average citizens like you and me.  On these websites, people can anonymously post pictures of others along with nasty comments that don't even have to be true.  Anyone can be a victim of this.  For instance, a neighbor could post my picture and tell the world that I'm a lesbian or a cancer patient.  Nowadays, all you have to do is have a cute kitten in your video and you'll get a million hits.  That's the power of the Internet.  Another popular thing is to dish dirt on people, even if it's not true.  As you can imagine, this can bring about very hurtful situations.  There were people on the show who can't even walk around their own home town without having to hear negative comments from strangers who read lies about them on a website.  Paul and I have tweeted Dr. Phil asking him to start a petition to have websites of this nature taken down.  The people who put up these websites say that they're "for entertainment purposes only," but so are dog fights and so were the gladiators killing each other at one time in history!
  I believe highly in our Constitutional right of free speech, but there must be some regulations enforced to prevent libelous harm being inflicted, especially when it involves children.  There have been numerous suicides following negative remarks made about children on the website.  My opinion is that the concept of survival of the fittest isn't going to help society get better because it doesn't care about people around it.  If not for the attitude of survival of the fittest, websites like this wouldn't exist.

Thanks to all my readers...

  I haven't typed a blog in quite a while because I felt that nobody was reading.  I hope I'm not hard to understand.  My husband has noticed that I have readers.  So, like the phoenix, I shall arise from the ashes.  See you soon.

Torment

When something traumatizing happens to somebody like almost drowning, the time they are spending trying not to die may feel like it takes forever even though it doesn't last long.  Plus once they are pulled from the water and can finally take those precious deep breaths of air, their body gets over the massive strain it went through and can relax again.  What isn't always able to get over the trauma and relax again is their mind.  When they can re-live the whole thing over and over again their torture continues past the physical experience ending, sometimes for years.  Feeling like they're suffering still but now it's fear and anxiety causing pain.  Training to focus the mind away from the mental suffering is difficult but most needed to achieve contentment inside and out.  Like teaching yourself to take that precious deep breath of air to save yourself from drowning and relax again.  =)

Helping

The best way to stay healthy and happy is to help others be happy and healthy so I'm concocting a plan to get to India to help the Tibetan refugees.  This will really be a dream come true for me.  I'm sure it won't be immediately that this can happen but that's okay because it may take me years to learn Hindi and Tibetan languages.  Plus I need to get used to their types of foods so my body doesn't go into complete shock.  lol.  I just wonder if there's a store that sells Mt. Dew in the tiny town I plan to go to otherwise I better start trying to wean myself now.  Considering that it's been a six pack or more everyday for the last 23 years, it might be difficult to let go.  But any changes I need to make in myself is worth the life I can live helping people.

Been a while...

Sorry it's been so long since I've written any blogs but I've been bouncing around for the last three weeks.  Hopefully now I'm able to find the time to write more again.  Thank you to all who take the time to check out my writings...love you!  What I missed most was the ability to sit and read the beautiful and inspiring wisdom of the CWG trilogy.  It really helps to balance me and brings me back to finding the joys in all of life.  I must admit that the busy times I've had for these weeks was a real test of my patience making it difficult to stay in my usual moment to moment meditation that I'm used to doing.  Not that I got out of control or anything like that but I did allow it to affect me physically in a negative way with internal bleeding, pain and cramping which didn't help when I'm driving day after day across the country with my two dogs and my son.  My evolution work and spiritual growth will begin again now and I do hope you will join me as I write these blogs.  First things first, getting my body healthier through thought, word and deed.  Mind over matter right?  So, I am healthy!  I am happy!  (insert smiley here)

Forgiveness

I was watching Oprah recently and she said she loves what somebody had said about forgiveness.  They said something like, forgiveness means letting go of the hope that the past will ever be different.  And I'm having trouble with understanding how that's so imperative to our healing?  We should all know already that we can't change the past no matter how much we would like to.  One way that's easy to see for everyone is because no one has yet been able to change the past.  All we can do is learn from it and change who we are going to be from this moment forward.  I like what Dr. Phil says about our past as far as treating it as a book.  Lots of people (including myself at times) live life like we are reading that book every day and re-living the pain of the experience all over again.  So he explained that we need to learn to deal with the issues plaguing us and then we can put our book on the shelf and leave it there where it belongs.  That is a beautiful way of looking at it to me.  Not that that is dealing with the forgiveness issue but I thought it was worth mentioning!
To me, forgiveness is more like a plate of food, each one of us is holding a plate and some peoples plates are full while others are empty.  When you are healthy and whole it's easier to be loving and kind, you can even have something good to offer to others if they need it.  So your plate is full.  But when somebody is cruel or hurtful that means that their plate is quite empty and they are looking to get something or take something they think they need from you even if it hurts you in the process.  Deep down everyone has love in their hearts and are looking for love to come their way but they don't always know how to show it or find it in a healthy way, especially the people who are the most hurt and empty.  Like the marvelous Bill Cosby said, "hurt people, hurt people." and I couldn't agree more!  It makes so much sense to me.  Also keeping in mind that everyone does what they do, good or bad, because they feel justified for what ever reason.  That's how they see it in their model of the world.  Heck, I feel this way with even serial killers, 1. they feel justified to do what they do at the time they're doing it and 2. are searching to fill a void, looking for love or complete whatever craving it is they're feeling inside.  Granted they're going about things in a most unhealthy way no doubt about that!  But none of these things they do are because they are evil no, they're hurt.  They wouldn't do the things they do if they were not already hurting inside.  Their plates are empty and they're doing what they think will help them feel better.  This is true for everybody. 
I refuse to believe that anyone wakes up in the morning and says to themselves 'how can I be the most hurtful to everyone today?'  People just search for what it is they think they need and do what it is they think they need to do to accomplish getting that.  And it's their hurt that allows them to do things that can hurt others.  All conflict arises from misplaced desire.  I always say that if a person were to rob me of something, that would make me sad yes, but I would feel more sorry for the robber being so broken inside to go as far as that than I would be to lose whatever they took from me!
What can someone take from you that will truly break you irreversibly anyway?  As far as material things like money, clothes, food, furniture or a car, it may take some work but you can get them back or go on living without them if need be.  Even pictures lost in a fire or stolen are not the end of the world.  Those pictures didn't create your love for that person so you haven't lost that much in the long run just because you don't have those to look at and show off to others anymore.  Hopefully you still have the images in your mind so you could always have an artist redraw it for you if need be, right?  Now losing a loved one to death is a tough one for most people unless you're willing to believe that the spirit still survives and is healthy and happy even though they're not here with us, in their body anymore.  I think religion has been cruel to many with the way that they tell people to think there's suffering after death so the people left behind have to be filled with fear and grief over their loved ones passing.  And that in turn causes much unneeded suffering on this planet.  But it's ingrained deep in their psyche and many refuse to be open minded to another way, probably because the fear their religion has put in them makes them afraid to stray in case it's the wrong thing to do.  So ironically it creates fear before a loved one dies and suffering after a loved one dies too. 
But I digress, life goes on for us and we can be happy even without this person here with us.  Nothing can stop us, all of us, from having a full plate.  It's our choice.  And forgiveness is being willing to accept the idea that the person or people that have hurt us in some way were merely broken and hurt inside themselves first which allowed them to do what they did.  Compassion is a wonderful healer of the soul, not just for our own but for all other souls in this world.  So even if you don't have to work on forgiveness maybe you could ask yourself if your plate is full?

Born blond

Since my last blog was so negative with me venting I wanted to end the night on a lighter note. Obviously I have not reached mastery if I can vent my frustrations like that. But that's fine, all in due time. Anyway, I had mostly blond hair early on in life and it turned a dark brown when I was about 7 or 8yrs old and has stayed dark ever since. I've got a couple of stories to tell you about my past that are pretty funny but they also reflect this blondness of mine.
The first was when I was still a teenager and I went to a tiny BBQ sandwich stand where you walk up to a window to order and collect your food, there wasn't any indoor seating of any kind. It kinda felt like a drive up window but without being in a car. It sure had good food though. There were two (what I would call cute) guys running the place that and I was getting the feeling that they might have been thinking I was cute too so I started getting giggly and shy. I'm telling myself to just smile get your food and don't say anything stupid. The guy at the window hands me my drink and a straw. Now usually I would go wait in my car for the food to cook. But this time I'm feeling the vibe and no other customers were there so I stayed at the window to hang out and drink my soda. Who knows, maybe this guy is interested enough in me to want to talk a bit while we wait? So I'm thinking to myself now, play it cool Kayla. I notice this guy is watching me intently so, looking as sexy as I can, I poke the straw through the lid and start trying to drink my soda. I'm trying with all my might to drink this soda but nothing is happening. My cheeks are even beginning to sink in and who knows if my face was turning a different color? But still no soda appeared. I didn't want to give up and lose this battle so I just kept trying. Finally the guy comes over to me almost concerned by now and asks me if I would like another straw or something. To which I replied, "No that's okay, I can suck real hard!" The looks on their faces were priceless with those huge grins but I'm sure if my face hadn't already turned red from the endless sucking, it sure did once I realized what I had done. By the way, it turns out that the straw had went flush with the bottom of the cup.
The next one was about ten years later where I was driving a gigantic (4 door) crew cab extended pick up truck that my then husband used for his work. I was all alone and didn't feel all that comfortable driving such a monster vehicle as it was but then right in the middle of the street it just dies on me and won't start again. I realized I'm now going to be blocking traffic and I can see a gas station just across the street but I didn't know what to do. Lucky for me a police officer pulled up behind my truck, he comes to my window and says, "If you can't get it started do you want me to push it over to that gas station?" I'm thinking that's mighty kind of him to offer but I was worried it would have to take two people so I said, "This is a very heavy truck so do you really think you can all by yourself?" He calmly explains, "No, I meant with my car." Now I understand and nod in agreement so he gets back into his police car and I wait and wait but nothing is happening. How curious this is? I'm wondering what's wrong? I knew it was a heavy truck but for a car not to be able to push it? A minute later he gets out of his car and comes up to my window again to tell me, "You have to put it in neutral!"

unreliable people and silly rules

Now get this, I have a military badge with my name and picture on it that allows me to enter the base and it even allows me to go into a restricted area where the submarines dock. This is different than just the ordinary military ID that most people have, I used to have one of those too but it has expired and since we're not staying in the military for much longer I don't see the point of getting a new one. But for some reason the commissary allows anyone to enter the building and fill their cart with food but won't allow you to buy it until you can prove you're either active duty or a family member. And on a few occasions in the past my badge did just fine for me to buy things there. I don't know when or why that has changed. So the other day I was trying to shop for just this one item I was harassed by an employee about my badge not being enough. I said it seems to me that if it gets me on the base and lets me shop in the NEX and other things then it doesn't make sense that I can't use it to shop here for food too. But that logic didn't help me of course.
Well, as you all may know by now, Paul and I are separated by a protection order so we can't see each other or even speak to each other in any way, shape or form for a while. This creates a sticky situation for me since Paul was supposed to help me buy the Mt. Dew that's on sale at the commissary. Basically, he can't help me with that. So today a chief or who ever it was that broke that news to me said he would get it for me instead. I agreed and told him specifically to buy me the cubes that are on sale for less than $5.00 each. Good deal, eh!?! Who would want to pass that up? With how much of it I drink all the time I'm always searching for the best deal for my dew. Usually when a great deal like this comes along we stock up big time getting up to ten cubes at once. Well, my punishment has begun because this guy didn't listen to what I said at all...like anyone other than me or Paul would care anyway. He showed up with three 12 packs and made me pay full price for them! I asked him if they were all out of the cubes already and he said "I didn't even look for those". Gee thanks man, how unreliable and not helpful you are for me! Now I ended up paying ten dollars for these few 12 packs and I'm stuck having to go stand outside of the commissary (like a pan handler) asking people if they would be willing to go in and buy me some of the cubes? What fun.
The moral of my story is that anyone who is military is more than likely uncaring and unreliable and the entire military base is full of endless rules. Most of which make no sense, are unnecessary and silly but that never stops them from enforcing them forever. Oh how I can't wait to get out of this madness called the Navy!
  

random thoughts...India

It's so very cool to me that we get to see if somebody from another country is reading our blogs. And I've got somebody in India that checks out my writings...hello to you! I sit and imagine what your life is like and how different it may be compared to mine. I would love to go there and see your beautiful country someday. Heck, I often think about how I would love to give away all my belongings and move there for good to live a life of quiet meditation. But I don't think that would go over very well with Paul being my husband and all. Has anyone seen that new Julia Roberts movie, I think it's called Eat Pray Love? She went soul searching in a few foreign countries, it was a sweet movie about her spiritual evolution. But what really captured my attention was this place (hotel?) in India where they offer her a room and food in trade for her performing some simple duties like hand scrubbing a floor. I was thinking, oh yeah baby that sounds like the perfect place for me! I've always loved all the cleaning jobs I've had in the past and I've maintained that nothing cleans a floor as good as doing it by hand. So this makes India the first foreign country I'd wish to visit. And I'd love to go see the home of His Holiness the Dalai Lama. What a treat that would be for me! Every time I'm meditating I imagine myself being right there, joining in with His Holiness and others, all of us sitting and chanting together. Now that's what I would call a fun time! Another reason for me to go is because I've seen documentaries about the Tibetan people fleeing to India and how the place they stay has no filtered water for them to drink. So I told Paul that if/when we can go there I hope to bring them at least some of those Brita water filtration pitchers, it's not a permanent solution but it could help anyway. This is my plan, since I really won't have anything to bring with me except the clothes on my back, I can stuff as many pitchers as I can into my carry ons and into two boxes (first two are usually free) to be as my check ons for the plane. If I was wealthy I would do more for them. It seems to me that mega rich people stay mega rich because they like having money. I would love to have tons of money because I'd love to help the needy not because I'd love to have tons of money, ya know? Call me crazy.

Random thoughts...hunting on military bases

One thing that was cool to me about living in the military housing was the many family of deer that roams throughout our neighborhood. Of course they dont let people get too close to them but it's neat to take my dog out for a walk and see the beautiful, majestic animals quietly grazing on the grass. Until one night a gate guard told me that the only reason the deer come into our neighborhood is to get away from the hunters. I couldn't believe that we have deer hunting going on here on our base! It suddenly made me sad to see them when I know they're running and hiding for their lives from the very people that live around me. I think it's contradictory to praise our military for "protecting" our country when these innocent deer are from of this country but they can't feel safe in their own living area! Plus, it's not even like these hunters are killing them for food to survive, at least then there would be a reason for the death. But no. It's just for fun? It makes me sick. I wish our military would be joining causes that help animals instead of hurting animals. But then again, I've never understood why hunting of any sort is still allowed now that people can go to the store and buy food to eat with no problem but also with the way our planet has animals going extinct. Wasn't it ranchers and poachers that wiped out most of our wolves? Has nobody learned from these things? I mean, if it's wrong to pick up a gun and shoot some random squirell then why is it okay to pick up a gun and kill a deer? Just because you have a license? Then why is there no license for squirells or any other random animal? I wonder if our military will keep allowing our soldiers and sailors to kill deer for fun until they have to make them stop? Like once our country's deer are going extinct? I just don't see why any of this is okay? I wish that everyone would rally together to make our military bases safe for all people and animals on it! What's you're opinion?

the body

Earlier I was talking with my momm (we put two m's on purpose) about our souls and how death is just an illusion and she asked me if I think we live on? I told her I believe that we are just occupying a body to be able to experience the things we couldn't experience if we were not. And I used the example of our bodies as cars, we are not our cars, they merely help us get to where we want to go. But I didn't get to explain more to her at the time. I mean we can be proud of our cars and take good care of them, loving them. But we easily understand that we are not our car because it doesn't make us who we are.  It is just a tool in helping us express ourselves (like bumper stickers and paint jobs) and aides us in getting to the experiences of life we wish to get to. Can you see the similarities?

Illusions

Since we are shape-shifters, meaning a soul that has taken on a body again, then our true reality is not of this world. I love the way CWG explained the duality (of this plane) compared to the triune (of the other side) and how so many people get caught up in the duality. It makes complete sense to me, that I can let go of this body and still continue to "live", so how much of anything on this planet is actually real or truly needed? What is it I really need to survive? Nothing. I will survive even when I let go of this body and this life as Kayla.
In case you're wondering what this whole duality/triune thing is about, I'll talk a little about it to give you an idea. Of course, to understand all of it fully, I'd suggest reading the trilogy! Duality would be the up and down, hot and cold, here and there, tall and short type of thing. And that's what we find here on this plane. Where as the other would speak in terms of mind, body and spirit or Father, Son and Holy Ghost or subconscience, conscience and super-conscience type of things. Most people live day to day life within the duality with never a thought of the other.
But we are spiritual beings who have taken on a body in this duality/reality so as to experience more of what we cannot experience if we were not in this plane. Yet it doesn't make it a true thing just because it seems to be. And that's what I recognize all around me, people have let go of the concept that they are a spirit using a body and instead have this illusion that they are their body. So they focus on everything that's about this duality, judge it, need it, suffer from it and so on. That's what I admire about the Buddha is how he taught how desires of the body are just an illusion that causes suffering. How true. If we believe we need anything to be alive or happy then that can sure create what we feel is suffering once it's not available to us. That's why I'm slowly peeling away all the unhealthy desires I've built into my life. That's one way I disagree with Buddha, I believe in a healthy sex life and feel I can still reach mastery.
Words to think about, hot is no worse than cold and tall is no better than short. These are all a judgement about something that may be different for others. I love this example, on a summers day you may call 46 degrees outside a cold day and yet on a winters day you may call 46 degrees warm out! So I say this is all an illusion and judging life doesn't change it, it is what it is. The question is who are you in relation to it? Who do I choose to be now that I see what IS? Any questions? Comments?
Oh yeah, hello and welcome Israel!

Choose what shows up

I know that my soul knew exactly what I wanted to experience when coming into this life, granted not everything is pre-determined but I chose the family, the region and this body including many other situations. All knowing this will help me in my evolution. Sometimes I wondered if I'm insane for some of these things but I understand now that every person, place and thing that has showed up in my life was all to help me learn. I'm not a victim of my reality but a creator of it all. And in hind sight I can see the gift handed to me, it's just a question of me accepting it as perfect at the time it's happening instead of catching on years later. I guess it's the concept of getting upset that I scrape my knee when I fall just to figure out that it taught me to run more carefully.

So I'm entering a place of acceptance for all that may show up in my life. Striving to stay in a constant meditation of this acceptance. One thing that helps me is a basic trust in myself (my soul) that it is all a gift and I'm only holding myself back if I judge it harshly. I envision my soul as the driver of this car (my life) and I'm the child in the backseat. I've spent most of this life with my soul taking me in the perfect direction while I'm sitting back there complaining about everything. I've always felt that there was something bigger out there than just what I see in front of me yet that didn't stop me from putting my dukes up and fighting what comes. Now I see that the something bigger is called life, the Universe and everything (42!) and it's all perfect. Plus, what I resist, persists. I believe that when we pull back from the weaving and see the tapestry, we will weep at the beauty of it. Amen!

Love gives all and requires nothing

Since I've been contemplating this wisdom I've noticed things about the way I am that are not totally loving. For example, I mailed a happy birthday card to my daughter but told her that if it shows up early she better wait to open it til her actual birthday. I've always gotten used to telling my kids that they will have to wait to open their gifts til the actual day, be it Christmas or their birthday's, no matter how much they beg and plead. But now I realize that our relationships are different since they're grown. She wasn't overly excited about getting it anyway yet I felt it necessary to announce these conditions. Obviously, they learned patience by me making them wait for their gifts as I was hoping for back then. So why wasn't I changing and growing with the kids? Of course I immediately apologized to her, letting her know that I see if it's something I buy just to make her happy and I want her to have it, then why keep it from her at all? If she doesn't care if she gets it on the right day, why should I? And it really boils down to, who is expecting a gift here? Me. I needed her to be or act a certain way so I can be happy. She didn't mind if she got anything at all but it was all about a gift for her birthday celebration. How ironic, eh? She's the best daughter in the entire world and she deserves the best love. I'll just have to keep working on it for everyone's sake!

Murphy's Law

What a morning its been so far. It was drizzling outside so I thought I might take the dog and turtle out. The dog had to go potty and the turtle usually loves the rain. It was totally quiet and peaceful out there with no one in sight but after about three minutes, the turtle still wouldn't come out of his shell and our dog found an opened trash bag in our neighbors carport. Conveniently, they now pull up in two different cars, another person shows up walking their dog and when I go to collect my dog from the mayhem, what do I see? A dirty diaper, a used maxi pad and my dogs head deep in the trash bag. I shriek and he goes running and barking at the people. Maybe to protect his new found treasure. Once I catch him I need to go bathe my wet, muddy, trash faced pooch so the whole time I'm bathing him I'm hoping the turtle is still staying where I left him. Wanting to hurry, I accidentally dropped my cell phone into the bath tub which was hard to find under all the bubbles. When I get back outside to collect the turtle, it's raining harder and he's now decided to roam. Fun!

Well, I got my new robe outfit and it's so cool. I shared some concerns with Paul about the Buddhist customs and how they might be offended if they saw me wearing it while married and such. And he had me cracking up laughing because he said that if any monk tries to beat me up for wearing it, he's got my back! I think what will be hilarious is when I'm out and about with Paul's family, out of all the Asian people and one Caucasian in the group, it's the Caucasian that's dressed as a Tibetan Buddhist monk with a shaved head. His mother is all about fitting in with high society and looking fashionable while doing it. Not many in his family ever liked me or accepted me (or my kids) well, I should say, my being me has always made them uncomfortable, but now I think they're really gonna cringe.
I just found out the other day that his parents were willing to fly his "pretty" previous girlfriend to a family reunion even though they hadn't been dating very long. But after Paul and I got married his parents refused to pay for me to come along on a family reunion for the first six years because (Paul's been told) Kayla's old, divorced, fat, poor and ugly, I guess not worthy of spending the money on. And his mother said to us straight up that unless our kids have HER blood in them, they mean nothing to her, thank goodness the kids were not there to hear her say that. Plus, I was told about a time that Paul's sister got an earful just because she made friends with a homeless person in her hometown. Sad to say, his family is not open to new ideas or change so he has struggled with being in their lives when they're so painfully cruel to "outsiders" and don't care that they are cruel even when it's pointed out to them.
I have always wondered how he came out of a family like that? Ironically, my own family will be asking the same thing about me. How did she come out of a family like ours? Well, I think it's beautiful that the more and more Paul's mother tried to instill greed and judgment into that boy, he pushed back and refused to conform to the unhealthy ways and instead chose to accept and love everyone just for who they are. Hence, why he is with me! I love you Paul.

I've read that the secret to life is not to have what you want but to want what you have. I'm getting that we can try our best to create the life we live but if it turns out to be something different, accept that and make the best of it anyway. Yup, just like the saying when life throws you lemons then make lemonade! That attitude would help someone to not judge a situation but to say it is what it is so what do we do about it then?

random thoughts

It amazes me how this country's people cheer and admire the famous singer Beyonce for wearing a five carat ring on her finger when we all are quite aware that a great many people in other countries are starving to death. How much assistance could she accomplish if she gave back the ring and used the money to feed the starving instead? How does that ring on her finger benefit this world in any significant way? I still think fine tuned observation skills are a sure sign of potential evolution. Am I alone on these ideas?

live simply so that others may simply live

Since I'm not plunging feet first into a new lifestyle with this concept of being happy with very little and observing what benefits me, as far as where I say I'm going, taking baby steps is a helpful thing. So far I've been making myself go through changes of letting go of the old ways, even if just in small ways. For instance, I couldn't sleep well if there were dirty dishes sitting on the kitchen counter (which hardly ever happened) for fear of a roach infestation. I always wondered how people didn't mind roaches? Now I wonder what I'm so afraid of when it comes to that? I don't like roaches, yes. But should it be such a worry for me that I can't sleep? Not when I could just realize that one night won't do much and even if it did, I can take the proper steps to get rid of them again. So sleep, right?
Another thing I worked on was the cigarette issues I had, no I don't mean I quit but I have made alterations just to teach myself control and flexibility. This is what I mean...for the last 12 years or so I've been rolling my own smokes. Buying the American Spirit tobacco and filters (tubes) to use with my injector, saves a lot of money if you don't mind the work. And once I got good at rolling I could make a carton in about half hour give or take. Well, it was simple to do in Tucson with all the bigger city choices everywhere but in this sleepy little town we're in now, there's only one store that carries the stuff I needed. And that's if they ordered it for me. Sad to say they were slacking a lot putting me under pressure if I'm low on one or the other. So I decided to just give up the whole filter part of it and only need the tobacco and some rolling papers. Even then, if they're out of A.S. then I will gladly use another brand. Much less stress now and I'm one step closer to quitting smoking all together. Because you can't drop something you're not holding. Oh yeah, I also make myself go into the bathroom with the fan on trying to keep the smoke out of the rest of the house, even though my dog hates it when he always wants to be with me.
And get this one, I also decided to let go of the added stress of my hair. Having to brush it, putting it up into a ponytail when cleaning or on a windy day, taking so much longer in the shower and so on. So I chose to shave my head and donate 10inches of hair to Locks of Love. Now I look like all the other sailors on the base where Paul works. I love it like this.
One more thing I'm in the process of changing is my wardrobe. I no longer feel the need to express myself through clothes, no I'm not gonna go naked, I'm switching to wearing a tibetan monks robe. How simple is that? I don't have to worry about this matching with that or saying are those pants clean? Ah yes, living simply. And then I can donate what I do have but don't need, it's a win-win situation.
I've noticed that when I'm on or near a military base everyone thinks I have a shaved head because I'm military. Yet in other cities with no military influence around people tend to assume I'm a cancer patient, one guy asked me if I'm getting chemotherapy. Of course I like to have fun and tell everyone that it's because I lost a bet! insert smiley here. I'm guessing that once my shaved head is in a monks robe, everyone will think something completely different no matter where I am. Like Paul McCartney said of his late wife Linda, "She liked to be different." and I'm cool with it too.

ego

Is the ego there to help us or hinder us? Does it help us to define who we are by our individuality and place in this universe to everything and everyone else? I mean, if there was nothing and no one else but me, where would I be?  What would I be? I'd go out of my mind. Like dangling in a seemingly endless white room, how could you know if you're big or small with nothing to compare yourself to? So, in all reality or should I say being in this reality, an ego is useful. I suppose it would be only when I allow my ego to get out of hand that it hinders me in any way. When it becomes more than just experiencing what I am but actually needing something to be who I want to be. Yet, how much do I need to be me and continue living and experiencing life? Shelter and food to survive. Technically anything above and beyond that is a gift. But some how I've gotten it into my head that I need Dew and smokes each day to really feel like myself. Being best friends with comfort food during tough times too. It may have began from my low self esteem earlier in life but has possibly turned into an out of control ego through the years. I guess my ego was involved back then too at some level huh? I'm getting over that fairly well. Because there's no reason to feel it tragic that this is who I am if there's always a change for the better available to me. Now I'm liking who I am, just working to reach for my highest goal of becoming a more highly evolved being.
I do realize that we don't need much to live and truly don't need anything to be happy. This understanding has been a work in progress for me for a while. Shedding the outer worldly passions brings about contentment once you live happily without them. Hmm easier said than done so far.

When you care what others think of you, they own you

How have I changed so far? Well, having already been firmly planted in an out of the ordinary kind of lifestyle, I had a little less to shed than most. I've always been a non-make up kinda girl and I never cared about my hair so it was allowed to grow out and get cut about once a year. Pretty much whenever I noticed the kids needing a haircut I would think, "oh yeah, it has been a while for me hasn't it". It's not often that I find a guy with a smaller wardrobe than me, yes even Paul's clothes take up more room in the closet, but that's mostly because my mom keeps buying him dragon Tshirts as a surprise. And I've always said that I wouldn't want to own a ring or a car that someone would want to steal from me. For what? To show off? To make a spectacle of myself but then have to live in fear of attack by others who feel they need what I have? I just don't get it.
But I digress, even though I didn't fall into the trap of bling and such, I did become a person with low self-esteem and that in turn allowed me to take on other things. Not very good things like smoking cigarettes since the age of 13 and drinking almost a twelve pack of Mt Dew a day since about 18 yrs old. For some reason I've always hated water. I'm like that little girl in the movie Signs where she uses every excuse to avoid drinking it, I must agree, if it's been sitting for a little while, it could get dusty! I know it's not healthy for me to pump myself full of Dew all day but I've become almost addicted to it through the years and now it's difficult to imagine letting it go.
But if what I'm doing is working on evolving and I believe what I said earlier, then my observation is that these things do not benefit me and now I must do something to change it. This is where going within is helpful because I first must figure out what makes it so important for me to have it. Was it the low self-esteem? What is that exactly? Does it stem from my ego? What kind of ego do I have when I don't care about the monetary things or fitting in with others and such?

If you don't go within, you go without

So what is a highly evolved being? Well, they're hard to come by on this planet for sure. But seriously, I've come to understand that fine tuning your observational skills assists in the process of ones evolution. Of course, noticing something but not doing anything about it are two different things. So I suppose that the highly evolved notice when something isn't beneficial for them and then takes the time to change things as needed. Yes, I know sometimes things are out of our control to change but that's when I would turn within. I believe in the concepts from the CWG trilogy and it mentions so many great words of wisdom like the line in the title above, if you don't go within, you go without.

What is evolution? A growth? A kind of advancement? This is what I'm trying to figure out on my journey through life. And evolving is what I believe I'm doing, in high gear compared to just ten years ago. This is mostly due to some (what I feel to be) truth and wisdom entering my life recently. Of course I've had forty years to see what the majority of the people feels is important to strive for in life, like owning a house or a shiny new car and all that monetary gain kind of stuff. Luckily, I've not been very well off for most of my time here so it's helped me to keep in mind what the truly important things in life are and it's NOT going to Disneyland. Yes, all my friends let me know how bad they felt for my two "fun" deprived children but I would even say back then that if I had the money to take them there, I still wouldn't because there's so much better ways to blow that much money. What a rebel I am, eh?
Since I have no problem understanding that evolution is not going to be found in money hoarding or shopping for shiny things of any sort, what's left? A spiritual growth is what I gather. Boy, doesn't that sound easy! To paraphrase the Buddha, it's much more difficult to conquer oneself than another. Well, here I go, wanna join me?